Change — chosen or not — has a way of revealing which parts of your identity were built on solid ground. Sometimes you leave a job and suddenly feel untethered from the competence that seemed so stable. Sometimes a relationship ends and you're left wondering who you are without that role. Sometimes you transition into a new chapter and discover that the confidence you had was situational, not grounded.
This is actually useful information, if uncomfortable.
In coaching, one of the most important shifts a woman can make is moving from a sense of power that's contingent on external circumstances to a sense of power that's internal and therefore portable. From feeling powerful because of what you've achieved, to feeling powerful because of who you are. From being confident in a familiar context, to being able to access confidence even when everything around you is shifting.
The Difference Between External and Internal Power
External power is real, and it's useful. It comes from your title, your expertise, your achievements, your relationships, your resources. When you lose any of those things — through job loss, life transition, or just the passage of time — the power can evaporate quickly.
Internal power is something else. It's grounded in your own knowing — about what you value, what you're capable of, who you want to become. It's the power that remains even when everything external shifts. And for most women, it's been significantly underdeveloped, because we've been encouraged to find our worth in external validation and achievement.
Seasons of change are actually the perfect time to build this internal power. Because when external circumstances are in flux, you have no choice but to look inward. And when you do, you often discover that you're far more resourceful, far more capable, and far more interesting than you thought.
The Work During Transition
The common fear during change is: "If I'm not defined by this role/achievement/relationship, who am I?" And that fear is valid. But it's also the doorway to something more solid.
One way to rebuild power during transition is to get very clear on your values — not the values you think you should have, but the ones that actually matter to you. What does matter to you, separate from achievement? What brings you alive? What do you care about contributing? What kind of person do you actually want to be?
Another is to notice the capabilities you have that are independent of your circumstance. You're someone who can learn. You're someone who can adapt. You're someone who has navigated difficulty before. You have resilience. You have perspective. You have the ability to connect with others. These things don't disappear when your job title does.
The third piece is often related to understanding your actual worth — which is something that exists separately from what you produce or achieve. This is some of the deepest work, because many women have spent their whole lives tying their worth to their output. And recognising that you have worth simply because you exist — not because of what you do, but because of who you are — is genuinely transformative.
Personal power is what remains when everything external falls away. It's the only power that lasts.
Reclaiming After Loss
Sometimes change is loss — a job you loved, a relationship you invested in, a version of yourself you thought you'd stay. The grief that comes with that is real, and it needs space. But underneath the grief, there's often an opportunity to reclaim parts of yourself that you may have given over to that role or relationship.
If you defined yourself by being someone's partner, who are you when you're not? What comes alive when that's not your primary identity? If you defined yourself by your professional role, what else is true about you? What capabilities or interests have you been suppressing in service of that identity?
Some of the most grounded women I work with have been through significant transitions — divorce, job loss, major health changes. And what they often say is that while the transition was painful, it forced them to rebuild from something truer. To stop performing the identity they thought they should have, and start living the one that actually feels like them.
Building Stability From Within
The question that coaching asks during these seasons is: What would it feel like to be rooted in something that can't be taken from you? To know who you are and what you stand for, separate from what you produce or achieve or who you're connected to?
That's not about disconnecting from the world or becoming independent to the point of isolation. It's about having an anchor so that you can be fully engaged with your life without losing yourself in it. It's about being able to speak your truth, follow your values, and express yourself authentically, even in circumstances that might discourage it.
When you have that kind of internal power, change becomes manageable. Not easy, but navigable. Because you're not losing yourself — you're just adjusting your circumstances around a self that's solid.
For guidance through seasons of significant change, the work at The Curious Bonsai helps many women rebuild from this deeper foundation.